Lessons in Life

I learned so much from my Mom; I want to pass these lessons on to my children and grandchildren to continue the legacy of my Mom for generations to come.

When I was twelve, my father died of cancer of the esophagus; it was a long and difficult illness. During my Dad’s illness, I saw firsthand the importance of having compassion while caring for a dying loved one and that a mother could go on after losing a spouse, work outside of the home and raise a family alone. After his death, Mom carried on as a strong, faith-filled woman, way ahead of her time. This was the 1960’s, a time when women stayed home to raise children, yet with two children away at college, one in high school and two in elementary school, financially she had to work outside of the home.

Bankers usually dealt with the man in the family when I was growing up. On a very limited income my Mom sold our house and bought her dream home, the bankers never knew what hit them! Mom worked for a small parochial school and her pension was going to be next to nothing, however when Dad died she invested the insurance money wisely. Banks would post the rates of certificate of deposits for the next business day and on one occasion Mom took out a $10,000 loan for one day to buy her certificates before the rates plunged. She taught me the importance of planning ahead financially.
Mom always had friends around her and many of them were years younger. Many Friday evenings the teachers from her school would gather around our kitchen to relax after a long difficult week. Mom had a timeless quality about her – she made you laugh, you always knew she cared about you and she was genuinely interested in your life. She taught me the importance of being a good friend and gathering your friends around you in life.

In her later years, Mom talked her sisters and brothers into buying condominiums together, all in the same building on the same floor. Two brothers who had lost their wives lived in one, two sisters who had lived together their whole lives were in another and Mom had her own across the hall. They had ten years of dinners together, Saturday night poker games, companionship and love. That extended family made all the difference to me when I was caring for Mom while she was dying. They came over daily to see if everything was okay and I always knew that help was just across the hall. Mom taught me to appreciate how much family means to me.

In October of 1995, Mom was diagnosed with colon cancer. After surgery we found out the cancer had already spread to her lungs and liver and she decided not to have treatments. That Christmas we talked about her friends and she had a difficult time trying to decide what we should buy for them. I told her they would be deeply touched if she gave them something that was precious to her; something they could remember her by for years to come. We spent a long time going over her treasured cut glass pieces deciding who should get what for Christmas. Mom was letting go of possessions and nurturing friends.

After the holidays it was time to turn to Hospice for help. They assigned a kind and compassionate nurse who helped us tremendously for the rest of Mom’s life. Mom and I talked for a very long time after the nurse’s first visit about how she wanted to live the rest of her life. She told me she did not want to go to the hospital and she did not want extraordinary measures taken to keep her alive. When she could no longer be left alone Hospice sent a caregiver to be with her daily. I began taking Family Medical Leave from work each day; this allowed me to arrive at her home by 1:00 before the caregiver had to leave. I stayed until 7:00 and then my sister-in-law came to stay until 9:00 when the night caregiver we hired arrived. I don't know what I would have done without my sister-in-law!

The hardest part of caring for her was managing her pain. Even though we had a pharmacist who could make medicines in liquid or pill in any flavor it was still difficult. Mom didn’t complain but when she didn’t want to do something she just said, “No.” She hated losing control little by little over so much of her life and I tried to make sure if she didn’t want to do something that I didn’t force the issue. Mom was teaching me how to care for her in this final stage of her life.

On St. Patrick’s Day, my daughter gave birth to a baby girl. Mom was a great grandma and that made her rally a bit. The baby was premature so she had to stay in the hospital, but the day she came for her first visit was very emotional. She spent hours sleeping on her great grandma’s chest and it was the first time in a long time that I saw Mom with such a contented and peaceful smile on her face. Mom decided she was going to the baptism, she hadn’t been out of the house in a month and that had been to go to the doctor’s office. Everyone at church was so pleased to see Mom and sensed it would be the last time she would be there. They applauded at the end of the liturgy to show their love and support for her and she was overwhelmed. Mom taught me the importance of our church and what our parish family means to me.

Mom loved to watch Oprah with me in the afternoons. It was amazing how many times we would watch a show that would bring about the best conversations. One time she wondered if when she got to heaven if my Dad would look younger than she would because he died in his 40’s and here she was an “old lady” in her 70’s. We laughed and decided it wouldn’t be heaven if that mattered! She wondered if she had been “good enough” to get into heaven and we laughed when I told her she must already be in heaven with me rubbing her feet all afternoon! Some of her medications were making her confused and angry and she thought she was in the hospital. I explained to her that we were in her living room and she would angrily tell me I was lying to her. I would laugh and say “Mom I never lie to you, oh well, maybe in high school I lied to you but never now!” She would laugh and snap out of it and realize she was home. Mom taught me the importance of laughter during a very difficult time.

Mom wanted to plan her funeral and help me write her obituary. One of the pastoral team and his wife came to her home and helped us plan her last celebration. It was a day filled with laughter and love and actually was one of her very last good days. Mom told the pastoral associate she couldn’t decide which music to choose and he told her he would make a tape for her to listen to. Well she never did decide because she loved to hear him sing every single one of the songs on the tape but we enjoyed listening to that tape every day from then on. We wrote her obituary but she was beginning to fail and was having a hard time talking. I knew she wasn’t satisfied about one section and she pointed to her files, after searching for a bit I found a couple of paragraphs she had written months before and I inserted them and then she was happy with it. She taught me that planning for your death is an important part of planning your life.

All during her illness my brothers and sisters came home for visits with Mom. It was very difficult for them to be so far away during this time and often they would ask me if it was time for them to come home, if she was dying. I didn’t know, I knew she was doing poorly but I just couldn’t tell if this was the end. I finally told them that they had been here when it mattered, while she was still able to talk with them and that I didn’t think we would be able to tell when her final moments were going to be and they just were going to have to be peaceful about not knowing when her death would happen. However, the day before she died it was quite evident that this was the end of her life. Her breaths became shallow and far apart and she wasn’t talking at all or even opening her eyes. My sister and brother made plans to come home and I called a few of Mom’s best friends and asked them to come over to be with us.

Two members of the pastoral team came over to pray and bless Mom. These women were so loving and supportive; they told her it was time to go home, that she had lived a tremendous and wonderful life and she was ready to be with God. After they left Mom squeezed my hand and I knew she was ready.

My daughter and granddaughter came over and I called five of Mom’s friends to be with us. We crowded into her bedroom and they told stories that all began, “Elinor, remember when…………” Mom would raise her eyebrows and smile and we knew she remembered very well indeed. It was an amazing afternoon filled with friendship and love. These women were strong, faith-filled women who made significant contributions in their schools, communities, families and the world around us and they were partly that way because my Mom was their friend. She helped shape everyone in that room and she was teaching us to say goodbye.

We prayed for miracles during her illness, not for her to be cured just any miracles God felt like sending our way and we received many. We had a few critical moments during her care but I was never alone when they occurred – that was a miracle. Our caregivers were wonderful and they loved Mom, she kept making friends right up until the end – that was a miracle. Her great granddaughter was born healthy and beautiful and early – that was a miracle. Her family was with her when she died, she didn’t want to die alone – that was a miracle. She was my Mom and my best friend in the world – that was a miracle, too.